Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

6 Sep

Listen movie studio execs, you cannot modernize every classic fairytale or combine historical events with mythological monsters. It’s not a guaranteed money-maker for you anymore. We’ve caught on.

Case in point:

– Red Riding Hood

– Brothers Grimm

– Beastly

– Lady in the Water

– A Cinderella Story

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Now, we’re being forced to endure Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters…in 3D. Starring Jeremy Renner as Hansel and Gemma Arterton as Gretel, the movie follows the siblings who have become a formidable team of witch hunters after almost being killed by a witch 15 years earlier.

I think we should point out that the witch only tries to kill Hansel and Gretel after they trespass on her property and try to eat her house. If they lived in Texas, the witch’s actions wouldn’t even be questioned.

Just so you know, this movie cost $60,000,000 to make and doesn’t it look fantastic?

I wish I could hear Don “The Voice of God” LaFontaine say “…and Jeremy Renner as Hansel.”

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3 Responses to “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters”

  1. JB September 6, 2012 at 1:05 am #

    I think Renner will be lucky to get out of this one merely embarrassed. There’s fun bad and then there’s just bad bad.

    • calmiron September 6, 2012 at 1:12 am #

      I’m really curious to see how the press circuit goes. How are Renner and Arterton going to answer questions with straight faces?

  2. Laura September 6, 2012 at 8:36 pm #

    I hope they aren’t planning on doing any press in Texas.

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