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5 Worst Movies of Summer

13 Sep

The last three days it’s been cold, not chilly, not breezy, just plain COLD.  This means to my delight, that it’s the end of summer…and summer movies.  The season had a heap of action, sci-fi and adventure movies that featured terrible plots, horrible actors and craptastic special effects.  There were some pleasant surprises throughout the summer like Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Thor, Warrior and X-Men: First Class, but let’s be negative today hmm? This is my countdown the five worst movies of the summer.

5. Captain America

Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), who has been deemed unfit for battle in WW2, volunteers for a secret experiment to turn him into the first in a new breed of super soldiers. He becomes Captain America the first and only super solider after the scientist, who created the formula/procedure, is killed.  Along the way he crosses paths with the Red Skull, who will eventually  become his Arch Enemy. Oh and it’s in 3D!

There was a lot of hype about Captain America especially since Chris Evans is set to star as Steve Rogers again in the upcoming Avengers movie.   Why is this movie on the list you ask?  It’s boring.  Painfully, so.  The only person worth seeing in this movie is Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull and realizing how surprisingly good he looks in a long leather jacket.

Worst Part of the Movie:  His relationship with oh so tough military woman Peggy Carter (Haley Atwell).  Blah, there’s more chemistry between a potted plant and me.

Best Part of the Movie: When my father-in-law threw a half full cup of pop at me and yelled 3D!!

4. Conan the Barbarian

The remake of the 1982 classic, but instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, we get Jason Momoa as the bloodthirsty Cimmerian seeking revenge for the death of his father.

Conan the Barbarian did not require a remake.  If the director or producers drew from the original stories by Robert E. Howard, a new Conan movie could have been made with a completely different and compelling plot.  This movie is a strange combination of fantasy and action.  At the beginning of the movie, everything seems fairly realistic and then BAM! There are creatures trying to kill Conan made out of sand, Rose McGowan can tell if you’re a virgin by tasting your blood and a random mask will give you godlike powers. The flux between the action and sci-fi genres make Conan unbearable to watch.  B

Worst Part of the Movie: Conan’s birth scene.  Hilarious.

Best Part of the Movie: Jason Momoa’s ass that seems to defy gravity.

3. Cowboys & Aliens

Starring Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford and Olivia Wilde, this movie is exactly what it says: Cowboys and Aliens…oh and they fight over stuff.  What they’re fighting over…can’t really say I know.

All in all this movie is not absolutely horrible.  It doesn’t have much of a plot but the action is fairly decent.  The reason it’s on this list is because of the talent in it.  Daniel Craig always does a great job, but Harrison Ford and Olivia Wilde seemed ridiculous next to him.  John Favreau directed and this would count as an epic fail after the success (both box office and critical) of the two Iron Man movies.

Worst Part of the Movie:  There were no horrible parts.  Movie is just flat.

Best Part of  the Movie: First fight scene.

2. Tranformers: Dark Side of the Moon

When a mysterious event from Earth’s past erupts into the present day, it threatens to bring a war to Earth so big that the Transformers alone will not be able to save us.

The winner of the most vile, crude and pointless trilogy has to go the Transformers movies.  I despise all three of the movies but especially number two and three.  I remember my husband said it was one of the best movies he had ever seen and I died a little inside. Michael Bay has said multiple times that he was disappointed with Transformers 2 and the horrible plot was due to the writers strike.  The movie started filming with a script.  I repeat WITHOUT A SCRIPT.  We were promised a better action movie and a good plot.  Dark Side of the Moon is far better than Revenge of the Fallen, but still lacks cohesive storytelling and any real substance to the characters.  We have seen Shia Lebeouf in this role three times and can you really say you give a crap what happens to him?

Michael Bay also has undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder.  He never holds shots or scenes long enough to really understand what is going on.  It’s difficult to tell what part of a Transformer you are looking at.  Is it  a leg or arm?  Who knows?

I’m also convinced that Michael Bay is racist.  If you can bear it, really sit down and watch the Transformers movies again and take a look at how every other ethnicity is perceived.  Two robots named Mudflap and Skid in Revenge of the Fallen are clearly African American Stereotypes; it’s reminiscent of Jar Jar Binks in the new Star Wars movies but, even more offensive.

Worst Part of the Movie: Rosie Huntington Whiteley calling Megatron a bitch.

Best Part of the Movie: When you realize who does the voice of Centurion Prime.

1. Green Lantern

Each sector of space is protected by a Green Lantern, possessing a power ring that uses a powerful green energy to do anything within the limits of the user’s imagination and will power. When the Green Lantern assigned to this sector of space finds himself dying on planet Earth, he tells the ring to find a suitable successor. The chosen replacement, hot-shot test pilot Hal Jordan, finds himself with a new job he never expected.

I can’t say enough about how horrible this movie is.  Let’s list all the problems with it.

1. Ryan Reynolds cannot act and people need to start accepting this.

2. Blake Lively is a slightly better actress, but can you really buy her being the CEO of a company.  OH but she’s a serious brunette now and not a flaky blonde.

3. The special effects are horrible.  Give Ryan Reynolds and actual suit not one done with CGI.

4. Peter Sarsgaard is a great actor and is completely wasted in this movie.  Tim Robbins?  Why are you in this?  You did the Shawshank Redemption…you’re better than this.

5. You don’t see enough of the other Green Lanterns.  The cool green lanterns; the ones worth seeing.

Worst Part of the Movie: All of it

Best Part of the Movie: None

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